I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
