This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
