There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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