She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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