She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
