I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
