I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't deserve a penis
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
