ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
