i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
