I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The air taste purple.
Randomize
