dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
