I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
