we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i love accidental penises.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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