I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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