Cold hands, warm shart.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
im on a boat
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