I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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