i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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