hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize