She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
