Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize