when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
