yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
