I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
