I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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