Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
