You just made me feel so damn special
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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