Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize