He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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