I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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