i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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