In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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