I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
