i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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