Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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