There was a lot of him and a little penis
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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