My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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