Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
