Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
