I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
