I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
