batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
