My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
