Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
