apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
