I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
