You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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