by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
