I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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