I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
