I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
