It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
