I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
