What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
