I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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