I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize