8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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