so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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