A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
