Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
