DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize