When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
