By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
