so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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