I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
