If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize