is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
