I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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