I wish I could teleport
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
