my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
