Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
